On Craigslist there is this whole page dedicated to missed connections (to people, really.) But what if I told you that sometimes missing a connection can be a good thing?
Like in this instance, where my boyfriend and I missed our flight from Paris to Greece, and we were stuck in Paris for the whole week. (Wah, wah.. right?)
At this point, you could ask “how is that a good thing?” But you could also ask “how is that even a bad thing at all?” At the end of the day, you’re stuck in a beautiful city with so many options; the city of love with the man you love. A city filled with so much history while your boyfriend is a history major. This just can’t be a bad thing.
But this is also how it’s a good thing – sometimes you don’t really know people until they are disappointed or upset. When someone is thrown into that situation, you quickly learn who they are deep down.
For me, I know that I need space (without distance – try figuring that one out. I’m a woman. Let me have it.) so that I can gather my thoughts and plan of action. I become withdrawn, and my initial reaction is typically that of the situation- disappointment or negativity. If you allow me that space, it will pass, as logic and reasoning sink in. “Woah is me, I am stuck in Paris for a week” becomes as sarcastic as it should be with the twist of first world problems. I’ll then joke about it. Laugh it off. And I’ll move on.
Scottie – he stayed so upbeat and loving the whole time. He believes everything happens for a reason (which I chimed in “and sometimes that reason is because you’re not paying attention and it’s your fault” lol) but this man always, for the last 7 years, has stayed positive, upbeat, and loving. He kissed my forehead and told me we will still make this a very romantic trip – and in that moment I realized all he cared about this whole time was me. I am over here wallowing in a lapse of momentary self pity because we didn’t make it to Greece and I wanted him to have the best Birthday, and he’s over here having an adventure with loving me on his mind.
So, an adventure it will be.
You pick a companion to face the world together, not to have to face.
That’s why I think it is so important to find someone you are compatible and in sync with. If you date a partygoer and you’re a homebody – you will probably hit a lot of opposition, etc.
It doesn’t mean everything has to be aligned. You should just have an honest conversation with yourself about your’s and your partner’s compatibility.
Wanting or having the desire to be compatible and being compatible are two entirely different things.
There are A LOT of aspects of another human being to look at and compare yourself too. If you are opposites in a majority of those categories, prepare for a lot of opposition and tension in your relationship.
Only you will know if the relationship will work.
Love is deliberate. But if love is exhausting, then I would dare to say that it isn’t love.
Try to breakdown your Compatibility in these areas:
Lifestyle (partygoer, homebody, drinking (if yes, how often, how much), drugs, fitness, career oriented, travel, working class, students, military, retirement, beach/surfing, concert/music, artsy, introvert/extrovert, etc.)
Love language (Read the Five Love Languages book – Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service) [how you show love and how you receive love, compare both]
Career (current, ideal and the steps you are making to get there, work schedule of both current and ideal)
Place to live (current, ideal)
Types of food
Previous relationship(s) status (married, divorced, single, friends with ex, kids from relationship)
Types of sexuality/relationships (open, monogamous, view on porn, bdsm, vanilla, etc)
Education (current, ideal and the steps you are making to get there)
Desire for kids (if yes, when. If yes/no or when changes, how open are you to those answers)
Finances (current, ideal and the steps you are making to get there)
Current 1, 5, 10 year plans
Habits (good, bad, current, ideal)
Disclaimer: Again, just because you are opposite in some areas doesn’t mean it won’t work. It’s just important to be aware of your comparability with another person.
A poem I read at the spoken word poetry event:
He has an infinity for the broken.
Anything or anyone who needs him. He will come swooping in like a knight in shining armor on the day of battle.
On the eve of battle he will be no where to be found.
He will profess that he loves you, but what he loves is the broken pieces of you that reflect him.
Look how good he is to you. That is the lie you will tell yourself.
shines each broken piece.
Yet, you throw a blind eye to who threw the rock at the mirror.
Sometimes I just have to get these thoughts out of my head. At the moment I wrote this, they were thoughts that needed written down. I am sharing them in hopes that they will relate to someone here. We can be so desperate for love, even love from ourselves.
I believe emotions are meant to be felt, even desperation. They are meant to wash over you, be experienced, and be released. When we feel ashamed of those emotions, ones like desperation that is so often frowned upon, it can consume us.
So brought to you in my moment of desperation:
I wanted so bad for you to love me. Maybe my mistake was thinking there was only one way to love someone. (My way, of course)
I wanted to wake up in the morning in your arms. I wanted for you to lean over and kiss my forehead and tell me how beautiful I was to you. I wanted to sit up in bed and talk about our plans for the weekend, which mostly included being in each others company (sprinkled with some alone time here and there – I’m not a complete monster).
I wanted to go downstairs and make a cup of coffee together, sit and laugh at the table. I wanted our day to go by full of laughter and happiness.
I wanted so bad for you to love me. Maybe you did, in your own way. It just was not the way I understood love. I don’t think that means either of us were in the wrong.
I don’t think it means we have to keep trying either.