Sometimes I just have to get these thoughts out of my head. At the moment I wrote this, they were thoughts that needed written down. I am sharing them in hopes that they will relate to someone here. We can be so desperate for love, even love from ourselves.
I believe emotions are meant to be felt, even desperation. They are meant to wash over you, be experienced, and be released. When we feel ashamed of those emotions, ones like desperation that is so often frowned upon, it can consume us.
So brought to you in my moment of desperation:
I wanted so bad for you to love me. Maybe my mistake was thinking there was only one way to love someone. (My way, of course)
I wanted to wake up in the morning in your arms. I wanted for you to lean over and kiss my forehead and tell me how beautiful I was to you. I wanted to sit up in bed and talk about our plans for the weekend, which mostly included being in each others company (sprinkled with some alone time here and there – I’m not a complete monster).
I wanted to go downstairs and make a cup of coffee together, sit and laugh at the table. I wanted our day to go by full of laughter and happiness.
I wanted so bad for you to love me. Maybe you did, in your own way. It just was not the way I understood love. I don’t think that means either of us were in the wrong.
I don’t think it means we have to keep trying either.
I know I’ve been quiet here lately. I was doing so good, scheduling a post for every Sunday. Then the last couple weeks or so (Okay, okay – 3 months) I just haven’t had anything to say.
I mean… I have things to say. Things I could talk about. But even those things, even things I would normally be passionate about, have not been able to spark even the slightest bit of fire in me.
I have been thinking a lot about love the last few days. Mostly that a relationship is not love. A relationship can build love, it can have love, it can show love, grow love. But a relationship is not love. So when a relationship ends, love does not always end with it.
I am sad today. For no reason and all the reasons. And I am happy that I am sad.
My heart wants to hurt. It would be so much better to feel something, anything. I keep falling into a dull numbness.