Sometimes I just have to get these thoughts out of my head. At the moment I wrote this, they were thoughts that needed written down. I am sharing them in hopes that they will relate to someone here. We can be so desperate for love, even love from ourselves.
I believe emotions are meant to be felt, even desperation. They are meant to wash over you, be experienced, and be released. When we feel ashamed of those emotions, ones like desperation that is so often frowned upon, it can consume us.
So brought to you in my moment of desperation:
I wanted so bad for you to love me. Maybe my mistake was thinking there was only one way to love someone. (My way, of course)
I wanted to wake up in the morning in your arms. I wanted for you to lean over and kiss my forehead and tell me how beautiful I was to you. I wanted to sit up in bed and talk about our plans for the weekend, which mostly included being in each others company (sprinkled with some alone time here and there – I’m not a complete monster).
I wanted to go downstairs and make a cup of coffee together, sit and laugh at the table. I wanted our day to go by full of laughter and happiness.
I wanted so bad for you to love me. Maybe you did, in your own way. It just was not the way I understood love. I don’t think that means either of us were in the wrong.
I don’t think it means we have to keep trying either.
I know I’ve been quiet here lately. I was doing so good, scheduling a post for every Sunday. Then the last couple weeks or so (Okay, okay – 3 months) I just haven’t had anything to say.
I mean… I have things to say. Things I could talk about. But even those things, even things I would normally be passionate about, have not been able to spark even the slightest bit of fire in me.
I have been thinking a lot about love the last few days. Mostly that a relationship is not love. A relationship can build love, it can have love, it can show love, grow love. But a relationship is not love. So when a relationship ends, love does not always end with it.
I am sad today. For no reason and all the reasons. And I am happy that I am sad.
My heart wants to hurt. It would be so much better to feel something, anything. I keep falling into a dull numbness.
Life is a garden; grow it.
I stopped struggling with insecurities when I was around 15; the year I realized I was hot. By that I mean I came to an understanding that the only opinion of my level of attractiveness that mattered was the opinion that I held of myself.
Even still, I walked into a relationship whose key player danced on the human weakness of feeling as if you are not enough. I would lay awake at night thinking that I needed to change my body or my habits to be enough for this person.
It felt like an insane uphill battle because my well founded self confidence in who I was fought with this projected insecurity of who I felt I needed to be.
I’ve never seen someone plant weeds, but that is exactly what I had done.
After that relationship withered away, I found myself laying in the arms of the man who told me he loved me so much that when I was away he even missed my stinky feet. Yet even in the arms of someone who loved me so fully, I found myself struggling with the ghost of those insecurities I had never come to know, and this sudden hollow need to feel like I was somehow enough.
The result of unaddressed emotions lead me to become both bitter and needy.
I expressed to my best friend during this exploration of self awareness, “This must be hurt pride causing a bitter root to take hold.” and she had given me three weeks to bitch, whine, and be resentful, and then assured me I had to get my shit together.
Once my allotted timeframe came to an end, I worked to uproot the bitterness. I imagine visually it’s a lot like weeding a garden, where you grab the weed by the base pulling hard, trying to ensure you get all of the roots out of the soil so that it doesn’t take hold again later. I turned my love off, and it had been affecting all my relationships.
The weeds sprung up ever so often, and I become more equipped each passing day to handle them. There would be a season where it came time to plant a new garden. However, I discovered that though free of weeds, my plot of land had bad soil. *Coming out of the metaphor, I never addressed the needy feeling taking its toll.
If love is like sunshine, then pain must be the rain.
This has brought me through another growing season: You do not need either person to be enough.
The sun and the rain do not dictate to the flower to grow, bloom, and be a flower. You do not need either the insecure or loving person projecting their perspective of who you are and what you are worth on you.
The rain does not arrange a downpour on your schedule, and the sun does not shine at your command. You will never be enough for the wrong person, and there is nothing about you that would keep away the right person.
Be a better version of yourself today than you were yesterday. This change in yourself is happening every day because of the love in your life from family and friends, but strongly because even when it seems like you fail, you spring back up. You are not a victim of others actions. You are strong, loving, hard working, attractive inside and out, and intelligent; all of this makes you beautiful.
Say it every day, with conviction “I am enough.”