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Hello, Sunshine

I was sitting outside of my house, hunched over hiding by a bush. I couldn’t have started kindergarten yet. My young mind consumed with wanting to die; I just wanted everything to end. I couldn’t have been more than six! I am not even sure how I understood life or death, but the level of comprehension at that time still stands vivid in my mind; why I would want the latter so badly was overwhelmingly frightening to say the least. 

Junior High led me into more of a peer-comparison depression. My life at home was… isolated, and I kept away anyone who would want to come over. The one time the joking from my junior high bully pushed me to tears, I was sent to the counselor. I refused to talk to them because having to see a counselor meant something was wrong with me.

High school I transitioned roles. I was much more aggressive. I stood up for others being bullied, but I also allowed a bitterness in me that kept me from showing compassion to anyone else, almost turning me into a bully of sorts. (It is still a harbored personality trait)

My struggle with depression became exhausting. My committed relationship, if anything, was a sign for my need for acceptance but also of low self esteem. I allowed myself to be treated in ways that no self respecting woman would permit, all in the false name of love. I found more life in sleeping, and did everything I could to sleep for 12-18 hours a day. (Oversleeping is a pattern I still struggle with.)

I write this, and feel ashamed, not for feeling depressed, but for feeling like my level of depression isn’t good enough to talk about. It is this weight I have allowed society to place on my shoulders.

I write with hope that maybe knowing that despite my outward appearance of having it “all together” if you needed to hear this then know that you are not alone.

Sometimes there is no amount of hand washing, flu shots, or vitamin C you can take to keep you from getting that cold.

If only we, as a society, understood, talked openly about, and respected depression the same way as the common cold.

There is someone there to help you. There is so much to life. You are loved.

Timehop Away

I have the worst memory, and probably for the best of reasons. However, I figured I would join the trend and download timehop so I could be reminded of the last x amount of years on social media. 

 For me, I typically only post happy things going on in my life, and occasionally they are moments that look happy, even if surrounded by bad feelings. Outsiders looking in would not pick up on the context clues of the hidden smile, yet I am now reminded every day by the little timehop dinosaur how easy it is to mold the perception of your life. 

  

Sometimes I even fool myself into thinking in that moment I was happy. I think I spent years practicing forgetting. 

With all that said, I do believe it takes sad moments to appreciate good moments; that mistakes fuel better outcomes. After all, Edison discovered 10,000 ways not to make a lightbulb. 

So when I look back on my timehop, I remind myself that Happiness is an emotion that changes with the wind, look instead to joy and contentment, as their deep roots will hold fast through the storm. 

May your heart be at peace even when your mind is not. 
 

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