To Confess or Not to Confess

I was watching a popular television talk show where they were discussing whether or not a person should confess an affair that happened prior to the marriage. Some of the hosts leaned toward hiding it. “What they don’t know won’t kill them.”

The thing is, confession isn’t necessarily about the other person. Confession is about healing. The sooner the man (or woman) confesses to their partner of any affair that’s taken place at any time before or during the marriage, the sooner the marriage can begin healing. Affairs (or any kind of guilt really) cause the guilty to become emotionally withdrawn looking for fights or sinking them into depression… Which will only hurt the marriage.

Without honesty, the marriage is already suffering.

It is not the confession that hurts people, it is the act. They were hurt the moment the affair began, and healing can only begin with truth and forgiveness.

Does that mean that the confession will make everything perfect? No, of course not. However, it’s not perfect now. Until couples are taught how to better communicate with love, honesty, and respect, they will continue to struggle. Marriage is already hard – holding back open communication just makes Divorce more plausible.

When making such a confession you have to be wise if you truly want the marriage to work. Making sure not to blame your partner for why it happened, not to get aggressive, and to make sure to give them whatever space they need to heal. Also, with the tables being opened and honesty flowing, be prepared to be attacked by your partners hurt feelings or to hear things that you didn’t expect.

Confession doesn’t mean you will be given forgiveness, and forgiveness doesn’t mean the other person has to stay with you.

Extend the same forgiveness you were hoping to receive.

That is the solid advice that should be handed out to the impressionable young men and women who watch that show wanting to maintain a stable marriage. Believe it or not, it’s 2000 year old practical advice that can be found in a very well known book.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. James 5:16

9 things you may want to know before you get married.

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Married at 20 and Divorced at 24…
Here are 9 things you may want to know before you get married that may save you from a divorce.

1. If you have problems with their behavior now, it’s not going away when you get married. Not right away, maybe not in ten years, maybe not for the entire duration of your marriage/life – so make sure it’s something you can live with or it will be something you divorce over.

2. Marriage is Hard.  Divorce is Harder.

3. Make goals together and more importantly make a goal for your marriage. “This is/these are what our marriage is about…”

4. If they are a drunk/addicted to drugs now don’t marry them. (If you made the mistake of marrying them, then leave them – at the very least until they’ve been sober as many years as they’ve been drunk).

5. You will get used to their quirks (like leaving the toilet seat up, throwing their clothes on the floor, leaving dishes in the sink) but if you don’t communicate about how much it bothers you as each item comes up you WILL blow up and your conversation will sound much like “TOILET SEAT’S CLOTHES IN THE SINK HATE YOU!!!” And it’s harder to recover from that than the occasional ‘nag’ of “I feel like the house is getting cluttered and I need some help keeping up with the chores” (bonus: “let’s tackle this together, when is a good time for us to do together?” )

6. Don’t go to bed angry. Unless they are drunk and that upsets you; Then go to bed angry in a different area of the house or stay with a good friend so when they wake up and you aren’t there they know a “we need to talk” is coming. And then calmly talk about it, and make a plan for a change.

7. Talk. Ask each other questions. (You’ll never know everything) ….. 8. And more importantly Listen. (If you don’t make a habit of 7-8 with your spouse, someone else will and they will more than likely leave you for them.)

9. Also – have sex. (um… for clarification – I mean with each other) All the time. Even when you are angry, tired, or “not in the mood” because at some point you’ll go months being angry, tired, or not in the mood.

The Month of Love

The month of love… You guessed it, it’s February. Love is in the air! It’s such a beautiful thing.

Sometimes it can be quite the opposite, however. From unhealthy relationships struggling with addiction and abuse, to the classic relationship ender: affairs; love actually can be quite ugly. First you have to decide if it really even is love! Over the rest of February – I promise to bring you solid advice on relationships. The following blog titles may snare you in:

He loves me… He loves me not…

9 things you may want to know before you get married

To confess or not to confess

5 Steps on How to Leave Your Spouse

If that brings up your curiosity, hit the subscribe button now so you do not miss a post!
(If you have a friend who could benefit from relationship advice over addictions, abuse, and affairs – share this blog with your other social media tools so they too may see the blog and want to subscribe too!)

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