The story you don’t tell

 
I never wanted to tell my story

I never wanted anyone to hear it 

Because then they might tell me I was to blame
But here I am anyway 

Hoping, maybe someone will feel the same
The truth is – it has nothing to do with anyone else. 

This story is about me

I own every ounce of it
I was neither innocent 

nor a victim.

I was simply human, 

in all of my sin and glory
I was lonely and loyal, 

and I was neither
I was scared and having fun, 

and yet higher
It was not black or white, 

or shades of gray

It was splashes of violet 

and violence

all the same
It has a name.
Before you tell me “I told you so”

I’ve already gone down that road

Of blaming myself

for no self-control.
I know you may want to say you’re sorry this happened to me

but before you do, know

I shouldn’t have drank as much as I had.
I had choices. 

I should have taken a taxi home

I shouldn’t have gone out alone.
Trust me, I’ve been told them all.

Yet, like some, I was in the moment.
I wanted to feel accepted 

and so I felt expected to put on a show.

I laughed with the best of them. 
Left my drink unattended

You can guess how this ended.

Have you ever been fully cognizant, 

yet unable to control your own body?
My “friend” promised he would keep me safe. 

I guess I got that promise too late. 
Blacking in and out of what looked a lot like rape.

But not to him.
And he told my husband I let him in.
Before you feel sad, know that I’ve already felt bad. 

I’ve dealt with that.
I’m not sharing this story for you. 
It’s for her

It’s for the girl who feels guilty for something that happened TO her.
So that maybe she will know 

You’re not to blame.
And maybe not today

But someday
It won’t be the same,

But it will be okay.