Monthly Archives: August 2015
I was sitting outside of my house, hunched over hiding by a bush. I couldn’t have started kindergarten yet. My young mind consumed with wanting to die; I just wanted everything to end. I couldn’t have been more than six! I am not even sure how I understood life or death, but the level of comprehension at that time still stands vivid in my mind; why I would want the latter so badly was overwhelmingly frightening to say the least.
Junior High led me into more of a peer-comparison depression. My life at home was… isolated, and I kept away anyone who would want to come over. The one time the joking from my junior high bully pushed me to tears, I was sent to the counselor. I refused to talk to them because having to see a counselor meant something was wrong with me.
High school I transitioned roles. I was much more aggressive. I stood up for others being bullied, but I also allowed a bitterness in me that kept me from showing compassion to anyone else, almost turning me into a bully of sorts. (It is still a harbored personality trait)
My struggle with depression became exhausting. My committed relationship, if anything, was a sign for my need for acceptance but also of low self esteem. I allowed myself to be treated in ways that no self respecting woman would permit, all in the false name of love. I found more life in sleeping, and did everything I could to sleep for 12-18 hours a day. (Oversleeping is a pattern I still struggle with.)
I write this, and feel ashamed, not for feeling depressed, but for feeling like my level of depression isn’t good enough to talk about. It is this weight I have allowed society to place on my shoulders.
I write with hope that maybe knowing that despite my outward appearance of having it “all together” if you needed to hear this then know that you are not alone.
Sometimes there is no amount of hand washing, flu shots, or vitamin C you can take to keep you from getting that cold.
If only we, as a society, understood, talked openly about, and respected depression the same way as the common cold.
There is someone there to help you. There is so much to life. You are loved.
Social media has given us this opening into the life of individuals to create an idea of a person before we even meet them. Although I feel it is well within our human nature to draw conclusions of who we believe someone is (probably some kind of survival mechanism), the only way the idea of the person matches up to the reality of the person is when both viewer and subject are vulnerable enough to share who they are and what they want and need.
Often times we fall in love with this idea of who this person is, and reality comes crashing in when we realize they are deeper than the shallow personification of what they put on the World Wide Web.
It is this realization that has brought me to where I am now: It takes time to truly know someone.
When looking for your partner, ask yourself:
Is growth my priority? If not, can I make it so? (If yes…)
Am I willing to be vulnerable and work on that physical and emotional connection? (If yes…)
Do I like who they really are, not who I think they are or want them to be? (If yes…)
Then tell them.
“I just know about sweat and frustration. And that what I once thought was impossible somehow doesn’t always stay that way permanently. One day it’s suddenly easy and accessible, and mostly because I’ve stopped struggling against it. I’ve just accepted where I am, keep showing up, and then the change just happens.” – Edward Vilga, Downward Dog
So happy Briana suggested taking a hot yoga class. It was so relaxing, and I was surprised how much my body sweat! I am feeling more and more satisfied and content with my life with each passing day. It is amazing what 5am wake up times (thanks to Noah getting my ass out of bed) and a couple fitness classes here and there, can do for your mentality.
As I am heading into my late 20s (*gasp* I said it. Better screen shot this post), I realize that I am about to hit the prime of my final stage of adolescence. It is said that late 20s are the years that you go through your final changes mentally as an adult, so once I hit my 30s, “I am who I am” so to say. I want to go into this chapter of my life as the absolute best version of me. Whatever the outcome of my late 20s are, I hope that I stay strong, loving, and open minded.
The end of one adventure is just the beginning of another.
We drove from Amsterdam to Berlin. Got a piece of the Berlin Wall. Went to catch my flight back to Oslo, Norway. Cried a little bit.
Okay, cried a lot.
It was an experience I would tell my children about (and anyone else who listens.) Its not as hard as it seems to do. Buy your ticket to Europe, and just go. Just do it.
You only have this one lifetime, whatever your “Europe” is – go for it. Everything that is holding you back is in your head. Where there is a will, there is a way.
Find your way.