Daily Archives: February 11, 2015

Boycott 50 Shades of Grey

Do you remember the first time you rolled out in the skating rink to dance to the Hokey Pokey?

The music starts playing, you notice everyone has gathered in a circle, laughing and giggling with what appears to be hand coordinated movements to the song. You try to follow along, you try to stay balanced on your skates, you’re a little awkward and feel a little goofy. You put your left foot in and you uncomfortably shake it all about. Everyone around you seems to be having a great time, maybe you will too.

You’re starting to get the hang of it… It’s great! Then it ends. Next song up is the chicken dance… Good luck figuring that one out!

Now fast-forward 10-15 years (give or take a few), and it’s that “time”. The real hokey pokey. Here’s the thing… There’s no instruction manual, there is not a group of people around to mimic, and there’s no song with step by step instructions.

If you break out into the hokey pokey and shake it all around, there’s a good chance you’re going to have a pretty unsatisfying sex life… So let’s just stop right here. Surely your Brethren in the Lord can give you some Godly advice on how to proceed with this Holy and Righteous Dirty Deed of Matrimony. Right?

In church this used to be the subject-that-shall-not-be-named, saying the word “sex” was only if you are referring to male or female.

The great news is, we’ve advanced so far in our modern church of the Twenty First Century. Now it’s okay to say “sex”, heck we will even say “sex is great!” “Yeah, God made sex!” “Sex isn’t taboo!” “You should have a great sex life!”

Yay! Now we are getting somewhere, Church. Spicing it up, things are really getting hot in here. I am excited that you are excited that sex is great and we should have a great sex life. This is awesome. So…

“How?”

*crickets* *uncomfortable silence* *feelings of shame and guilt* *awkward stares*

Uncomfortable flashbacks to the first time you had to dance to “I don’t want to be a chicken, I don’t want to be a duck… So kiss my butt.”

No really, but how?

“Well, talk with your spouse. Communicate. But don’t watch porn.” Says Church.

We are going to back it up here, just a little bit, because your hopeful, perfect, ideal married couple are these two virgins who have never entertained an impure thought in their lives. (Yeah, no pressure)

Do you see the dilemma?

Now let’s really bring on the guilt and shame, because you hear about how awesome this sex thing is but no one talks about how to do it and you are finding yourself quite unsatisfied by your spouse, whom you may have tried to meekly tell because, you know, that’s a real confidence booster. “I am not satisfied during sex…” But can’t tell them WHAT you like because you don’t know WHAT you like, because you don’t really know WHAT there is to like.

Let me paint a picture for you, because your black or white opinion doesn’t fit in my shades of grey world.

I am so happy that the church is finally even saying the word “sex”. But it’s time for Church to expand even this; If you don’t give the World options that are better, it will cause people to resort to what IS readily available to learn about this great thing God made called sex.

Figure that shit out, Church. Because until you can, your next “don’t watch porn” “don’t read 50 shades of grey” sermon or blog is just a self-righteous excuse to brag about how you are fucking your spouse because God says it’s your job… And that’s awful.

As a Christian Reader, you should gather in your masses during your next mass and shout it to the rooftops, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.” Demand the answer because YOU deserve guilt-free, shameless, wild, and beautiful sex (ahem, with your spouse).

Make Love, Not War

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